Gender Bender
by Iris Musicia
Summary: The X-Men incur Logan's wrath and suffer the punishment of switching bodies with their partners for two weeks.  Kurtty, Jott, Loro, Revan  default .  Beta-ed by Zewy!
1. Food Fight

**This chapter and the next chapter are identical-ish to _The Misfortunes Of Logan_, which is actually a spin-off of this story, which I've been planning to write for ages but never got around to. You can skip straight to chapter two if you've read _TMOL, _or you can stick around and enjoy the food fight!  
**

The mansion was nice and quiet after a Danger Room session. That was, until the shouts of anger from a certain German and a certain Jew ripped through the air.

"You couldn't walk _three steps_ in my shoes!" Kitty shouted. "All you care about is your stupid egotistical guy world, and can't be bothered to help me in the DR!"

"Oh yeah? _You_ try being blue and fuzzy and foreign, and dealing with _three_ drones and Rogue!" Kurt countered.

"You don't have to deal with being objectified by a _jackass_ boyfriend!" Kitty screamed, dropping the DR.

"Me? _Me?_ Jackass boyfriend? No no no, Keety, zat's _Lance_, zat asshole. I don't objectify you." Kurt said loudly.

"_Uh-huh!_ I won't even _start!_ But face it—if you tried a _day_ as a girl, you'd be _begging_ for mercy on hands and knees by the end."

"So you're saying you vant to be a guy?"

"I never said that!"

"You _implied_ it."

"Stop picking out technicalities, Wagner! You're too _insensitive_ to be a girl!"

"_Break it UP!_" Scott bellowed, shoving the two apart as they continued to screech insults at each other. "You two sound like girls in a bitch-fight."

"Way to be sexist!" Jean said snidely from behind Scott, who rounded on the redhead.

"_You_ want to get into the sexist argument?" He said lowly.

"Hell yes, you _sexist pig_, I can't begin to count the number of times you've discriminated against girls." Jean said, eyes narrowed. Behind Scott's turned back, Kitty and Kurt resumed their loud fight with more venom.

"Bee-atch!" Kurt hollered, jibing at an American (Texan) accent.

"Mahn-beetch!" Kitty screeched with a cruel imitation of Kurt's accent.

"Vot ze _hell?.!_" Kurt looked dumbfounded. Kitty stuck her tongue out at Kurt.

"I said, _man-bitch_! That's right, you _MAN-BITCH! I CALLED YOU A MAN-BITCH!"_ Kitty screeched at the top of her lungs.

Kurt flailed his arms around angrily, stomping his foot like a petulant child. He growled and screeched and jumped around and cussed in a thoroughly infantile display. Kitty's face went blank with shock, then she burst out laughing, much to the enraged Elf's rage, fueling his bonfire so he teleported around, continuing his infantile display around Scott and Jean, dueling with words, until Rogue broke in.

"Yer actin' lahke a _royal mayn-beeotch!_" She yelled at her brother. His cusses became incoherent (and German, they suspected) and he started crying in anger and frustration.

"Stop beating up on my best friend!" Evan yelled, pushing in between Rogue and Kurt angrily, receiving a leaf of lettuce to the side of the head. "Okay," he said calmly, "_WHAT THE HELL?.!_"

"If it helps, I vos aiming for zat souzern redneck." Kurt growled, getting over his infantile-ness.

"_No,_ it does _not_ help." Evan ground out between clenched teeth.

"Food fight!" somebody screamed, and the salad Ororo had been preparing before the teens had driven her out of the kitchen went to hell in a handbasket.

Kitty received a face of raw carrot slices, which she picked up and flung in the general direction of Scott. Kurt had snatched two heads of lettuce, cackling demonically, and retreated under the table, and was currently grinding it into a paste and smearing it like war paint under his eyes. Jean flung a cutting board full of onions at Scott, who ducked, and they hit Rogue in the face, making her burst into tears.

Evan opened a jar of peanut butter and was chucking handfuls of it around. A splat hit Kitty in the back and she screamed and threw a carving knife in his direction, which he ducked desperately, throwing the whole jar at her, hitting her in the chest and making her keel over in pain. Evan punched the air right as a loaf of bread hit him in the jewels, courtesy of a cackling Kurt, leaping around on the ceiling painted with lettuce paste, looking demented and leaving footprints all over the white surface.

"_No dirty shots!_" Evan squeaked.

Kurt crowed with laughter and taunted him. "Hee hee hee! Or as you say in America, _neener neener neener!_"

"Nobody says that!" Evan said, voice painfully high. Kitty, upon realizing her ultimate target was on the ceiling, began throwing things with all her might at the roof, leaving dents and splotches, landing a partially spoiled apricot on Kurt's butt. He shouted in surprise and fell off the roof.

"_Neener neener neener!_" Kitty screeched at the elf, narrowly missing a facefull of lettuce paste that splatted on Rogue's thigh. Diving into the fridge, Rogue rapid-fired diced pickles at anything in her line of sight, and upon running out of pickles, threw the juice.

"Children, stop!" Ororo shouted desperately, materializing in the doorway at the commotion, then got a jar of pickle juice all down her front. "_Aaargh!_" She shrieked, disappearing from the doorway.

Jean was using a baguette like a spear, jabbing Scott in a pressure point then ramming a handful of chickpeas up under his shades. He screamed and clawed at his eyes, grabbing a fistful of random food mush from the floor and flinging it up at Jean, hitting her in the stomach and abdomen. Crap reigned supreme, flying through the air and coating every available surface. The six teens were walking, screeching, raging food monsters, covered in mushes and pastes and clumps of any mildly edible thing within two seconds' reach.

Suddenly, a slimy, two-foot-long, scaly (genetically modified gargantu-sized) herring made its monstrous debut from the bowels of the fridge, clutched by the tail in Kitty's vengeful fist, destination: Kurt. As soon as the blue boy appeared out from under the table (looking for all hell like a monkey in a tribal war) to fire off another round of lettuce mush and collect more ammo, Kitty swung.

_WHAP!_

_WHAP WHAP!_

_WHAP WHAP WHAPWHAPWHAP!_

Kurt screamed at the fishy attack as the herring smashed across his face and any reachable part of his body, mostly his face.

"Ruaargh!" he bellowed, ripping leaves off and pelting them at Kitty, who continued to beat him with the dead fish. More ammo in the form of sliced bell peppers landed on Kurt, who eagerly launched them at Kitty's face. Rogue leaped at Evan, sitting on his shoulders as he staggered around and pitched handfuls of cheese at her, hands holding what looked like lentil soup from six months ago, flecked with purple mold. She smeared the rotten soup all over his face and bailed into a pile of soft oozing fruits, howling with her achievement as Evan screamed like a little girl in horror and disgust.

Three-day-old pizza plastered Jean as she hobbled by, Scott clinging to her ankles and shoving kiwi mash down her shoes. Evan lobbed milk into the mass of food, splattering everybody and turning the kitchen into a swamp of food that was truly puke-worthy. Kitty raised the now-blue-furry-herring with trembling arms as Kurt cowered, defiantly flicking chips at Kitty's shins, and brought it down on Kurt's head.

"_WHAT THE HELL?.!_" Logan bellowed at the top of his lungs, having no effect on the teens, who continued to hurl food at each other. Suddenly, the herring spiraled through the air, flipping towards Logan's face. Everyone froze as it landed with a _smack_ on his face and stuck.

You could have heard a pin drop as it inched down his face so his furious eyes appeared around the tail. "Why the _hell_ is this herring hairy?" he growled.

"Filled viz omega-zree and good for your heart." A badly-disguised German voice with no visible body (retreated under the table) said softly. Logan growled.

"_Who threw this?_" he asked rhetorically. A quiet _bamf_ answered his question. "Rec. Room. Now." He ground out, pointing out the door and watching the food-covered teens troop past with hung heads.

Logan ripped the freakishly large, hairy herring off his face irately and rounded on Ororo, shaking the fish like incriminating evidence in a life-or-death religious case. "Why?"

Ororo's eyes widened and shoulders shrugged in the "I don't know" gesture. Logan stormed upstairs like an avenging, fish-smelling . . . wolverine, I guess, because he really couldn't be described as an avenging fish-smelling angel, now could he? Oh whatever . . .

He walked in to the teens sitting on the couch, Kurt crouched on the back. "Why are you on the couch? You're filthy! Floor! Now!" He barked. They slid onto their butts on the floor. Kurt jumped down and hissed at Kitty before plunking down next to Scott.

"Never, in all my years have I seen such _atrocious_ behavior from you. And you think you're mature." He snorted. "So here's the question: why? Rogue, why?"

"Why?" Rogue repeated.

"Yes, why." Logan ground out.

"Kurt called meh a redneck, then somebahdy said "food faght," so I started throwin' stuff." She said.

Logan narrowed his eyes. "Kitty, why?"

"Kurt was being a man-bitch," she started, then was cut off by a high-pitched ear-splitting wail from the lettuce-paste monkey, threatening to devolve to infantile-ness again. "And he was fighting with me, and then he threw the lettuce at Rogue and I yelled "food fight" and . . . yeah."

"So _you_ started the fight . . . Jean, why?" Logan growled.

"Kurt and Kitty were fighting and Kitty called him a man-bitch, which really set him off, then Scott broke it up but he was being really sexist so I called him on it and we started fighting and Kurt threw the lettuce and Kitty yelled "food fight" and I started throwing onions." Jean said quickly. Logan sighed and rubbed his temples. The only upside was that they were scared silly, into telling the truth.

"Scott, why?"

"I broke up Kurt and Kitty's fight and all of a sudden Jean said "way to be sexist" so I talked to her—"

"Talked? You were shouting!" Jean said angrily. Logan stuck out his claws and all the teens fell silent again.

" . . . So I talked to her and then the food fight started." Scott finished after Logan nodded to him.

"Evan, why?"

"I broke up Kurt and Rogue fighting and he threw lettuce and it hit me and then the food fight broke out." Evan said.

Logan steeled himself before turning to the tribal-painted maniacal blue monkey at the end of the row, licking banana off his tail. "Kurt, why?"

"Keety called me . . ." he trailed off into German, then resurfaced in English, " . . . so I zrew ze lettuce at Rogue for being a redneck and zen ze food fight st—mmm," he got distracted as he found a bit of chocolate on his knee and licked that off. Logan smacked his palm to his forehead.

"Why, God, why?" he questioned quietly, looking up at the ceiling. "Okay, all of you go get cleaned up. I'll think up a decent punishment."

The teens trooped off, heads hanging again, and minutes later, Logan heard all the showers running. Hopefully the girls weren't stupid enough to try to save their clothes. It was the garbage for them. Turning to Ororo again, he sighed heavily and waved the herring through the air.

"Honestly, I have no idea what drives these kids, especially Kurt. He acts like a—a—a . . . wild animal sometimes." Logan said.

"Then you should have a pretty good idea of what he feels like." Ororo said levelly. Logan sighed at her logic. "I need to get this pickle juice off me." She disappeared upstairs. Logan threw the herring in the trash can in the garage and went and scrubbed his face of Kurt's fur and herring juice, his brain storming around punishments for the kids. Waxing the X-Jet? Too lax. Community service? Too bland. Starving them for a few good days? Somebody would call child services. Having them face an army of spiders? Too bizarre.

Suddenly, he got a great idea. Have Chuck show them what it's like. A day in the shoes of their partner, just so this whole sexist/man-bitch problem would be solved _forever_. Well, not forever forever, but for the entire foreseeable future.

Brilliant.

**Hooray! Food fights!  
**


	2. Miss Loraine and Gender Confused X Men

_**Tack**_** to my fantastisch beta, Zewy! Hope I didn't butcher that. :3**

The day after the X-Men's food fight, they were once again shame-facedly in the rec. room, though this time afforded the luxury of the couch for their lecture. Logan paced in front of them, looking horribly like a Nazi general, as he thought up his plan of attack. Abruptly, he stopped and turned to them.

"I spent a lot of time thinking up a good punishment for you . . . things." Logan started, voice growly. "And I have a feeling you're going to just _love_ me afterwards. It'll only last a week, but it should be enough to _eradicate_ any sexism or man-bitch problems you things have."

There were confused muttering between the teens, then the Professor rolled in.

"I need Scott and Jean to come with me." He said, and Scott and Jean stood, glaring at each other, and followed the Professor.

"Y'all'd better _not_ move a _muscle_." Logan snapped, following the three out of the room. Rogue, Evan, Kitty, and Kurt exchanged nervous glances, but stayed silent. By picking off the strongest first, they'd instilled fear in the young ones. Down the hall, there was hoarse shouting and muffled screaming. Kitty's eyes widened and she curled into a ball.

Moments later, 'Scott' and 'Jean' staggered back in, gripped on the arms by Logan, followed by the Professor. 'Scott' was shaking 'his'head and 'Jean' was stomping and looking limp and angry yet shocked and scared, blinking hard every few seconds.

"Kitty, Kurt." The Professor said quietly. Kitty shook her head and scrunched herself up tighter, if humanly possible. Logan hauled her off the couch. When Kurt resisted, Logan pulled him down the hall by his tail, much to his loud protests.

"What did they do to you?" Evan asked quietly to 'Scott'. 'Scott' shook 'his' head. 'He' tried to talk, but sounded like 'he' was choking and 'his' voice broke several times.

Down the hall, there were equally high shrieks, announcing Kurt and Kitty to return. 'Kitty' was slouching oddly, and 'Kurt' was walking like 'he' was strapped to a board, tail dragging oddly on the ground. 'Kitty' was twitching.

"Evan and Rogue, please." The Professor requested, as if he were picking out cupcakes at the bakery. Rogue nervously messed with the cuffs of her gloves as she followed Logan and the Professor and Evan in a resigned sort of way.

It was quiet for several moments, then there was loud cursing. "Logan needs to keep a lid on his foul mouth." 'Scott' said oddly, in a prim sort of voice. Suddenly, over the cursing, Logan's voice rose.

"Keep your gloves on, Stripes!"

"Zat's not Evan." 'Kitty' said in a strangled way.

"_The Professor?_" they chimed, shocked.

'Rogue' and 'Evan' returned, looking normal-ish, though 'Rogue' looked not at all afraid of touching things, whereas 'Evan' looked dumb, shrinking away from people when they got near 'him'. The Professor looked murderous, wheeling into a dark corner and glaring at the students as Logan addressed them again. **[1]**

"By now you all understand your punishment. This will last for a week," he raised his voice over their loud protests about unfairness, "and you'll _live with it!_ You brought this on yourselves, and _yes_, you're going to school, you nitwits! You're not getting out of school for this. And if this doesn't solve the sexism and man-bitch arguments, _nothing will_."

"A week? C'mon, Mr. Logan, can't it be, like, three days or something?" 'Kurt' whined, earning a glare from 'Kitty'.

"No, it will be a week, _Kurt_. Anybody else want to argue?" Logan said, emphasizing Kurt's name. 'Kurt' looked like _he_ was about to protest, but didn't.

"I think it's unfair to treat us this way for a whole week, Mr. Logan. I agree with Kit—uh—Kurt, three days would be fine, teach us a good lesson." 'Scott' spoke up.

"For that, DR. Now." Logan said. "Explore your new bodies."

"Eew, you, like, sound totally like our Health teacher!" 'Kurt' squealed in a thoroughly un-Kurt-ish way. 'Kitty' gave 'him'a scathing look.

"You're keeling my reputation, Keety." 'She' said, then looked sad. "Ach, _Mensch_, I vos hoping I'd be able to say zings normally now. Zough it is nice looking and feeling normal vizout an inducer. Oh, Keety, remind me to get zat for you later." 'she' said.

"Shut up and suit up!" Logan barked. They hurried out the door, tripping on extra appendages or impaired vision or huge feet.

'Kitty', 'Jean', and 'Rogue' headed uncertainly towards the girls' changing room, whereas 'Kurt', 'Scott', and 'Evan' trooped right into the boys' changing rooms.

"If you need help with bodies, you know where we are." 'Scott' said.

"Ditto." 'Jean' grunted.

The 'girls' were the first to encounter trouble "with bodies".

"How the hell . . . ? Ugh, God, this is _too_ weird." 'Rogue' groaned, trying to unclasp 'her' bra, clawing at 'her' back awkwardly. 'Kitty' laughed at 'her' plight, while 'Jean' came to help.

"Okay, that's _really_ awkward." 'Jean' said, backing away from 'Rogue' and shaking 'her' hands like 'she'd just touched a plague victim.

'Rogue' reached up and grabbed 'her' uniform, then turned around to put it on. "Jesus, they _bounce_!" 'she' cried in surprise. 'Kitty''s laughter doubled. "You're lucky, Kurt, you have small ones. How the hell am I supposed to fight with these _things_ on my chest! I'm seriously starting to appreciate how girls always stand up straight."

In the boys' changing room, though, the 'boys' were faring better, but not by much.

"Eeeyaaagh!" 'Kurt' yelped, looking thoroughly disgusted with 'himself', stepping on 'his' tail as 'he' tried to back up. "Jesus Christ! How does he deal?.!" 'He' cried exasperatedly. "This is so weird, having this _junk_ hanging around."

"What, th' tail, or th' _otha_ junk?" 'Evan' laughed suggestively. 'Scott' snorted.

Other than that, 'Evan' was quiet as 'he' suited up, a spike accidentally popping out of 'his' arm. 'His' eyes bugged and 'he' ran into the bathroom. They heard the sounds of dry retching, and 'he' came back looking wan and pale under 'his' dark skin. 'Scott' suddenly stomped his foot.

"I hate not having telekinesis!" 'he' whined. 'Kurt' was wrestling 'his' body as it contorted oddly, rebelling against Kitty's mind, and wrapping itself around the locker door.

"_SOMEBODY GET KURT!_" 'he' shouted, smacking 'his' tail down onto the bench and yelping with pain. 'Scott' obliged, popping into the girls' room. 'He'walked in as 'Jean' was still suiting up.

'Jean' looked up, surprised and guilty-looking, yet confused as 'she' dropped 'her' breasts from when 'she'd been looking at them.

"Eew, Scott, you creeper, stop _abusing_ my body! Stop looking at my body!" 'Scott' shouted at 'Jean', then turned to 'Kitty', who had a look of fake innocence on 'her' face. Jean suspected Kurt had been doing the same to Kitty's body. "Kurt, we need you. Minor emergency." 'Scott' said, then there was a frustrated howl from the open door, followed by cursing. "Scratch that, major emergency."

'Kitty' jumped up and followed 'Scott' back into the changing room where 'Kurt' was looking incredibly pained (mentally) as 'he' wrapped 'himself' around a locker. 'Kitty' fought the urge to laugh/rescue his body from Kitty's maniacal mind.

"Relax!" 'she' barked. 'Kurt' unwound 'himself' from the door and slithered down onto the bench, looking up at 'Kitty' in a defeated way.

"I've got, like, a dead snake hanging off my butt. Help." 'He' said very plainly. 'Kitty' frowned.

"Learn to use it. I vould say "or lose it", but I do vont it back. How do you function _vizout _a tail?" 'she' demanded, turning to look at 'her' own butt. "Or not being able to move at all?"

"Okay, look, just because you're, like, Mr. Rubber Band and now you're stuck in a _normal_ body doesn't mean you have to insult it." 'Kurt' growled, then looked surprised at the animalistically feral growl that had rumbled out of 'his' chest.

"Yes, you're more animalistic now. Just stretch and learn how far you can go. Try moving my—uh—your," 'Kitty' ground out, looking confused, "tail. Keep relaxed, and to teleport, concentrate on ze place and just let it _go_. It feels like a hiccup."

"Ohh-kay," 'Kurt' said doubtfully.

"Move, ladies!" Logan shouted, storming in and making them jump. 'Kitty' turned around, looking angry.

"I'm not a lady!" 'she' shouted at Logan.

"Ya look like one to me." He smirked and left.

"God, I hate that sadist." _She_ growled and slouched out the door. 'Kurt' stood slowly and walked—inched would be a better word—towards the door, tail snaking around in huge arcs, trying to imitate the way it had moved when Kurt inhabited the body.

'Evan' and 'Scott' followed more easily, looking reluctant and somewhat scared.

"Here goes nothing. Keep stuff away from your crotch. It's okay to be hit in the chest, it won't hurt. Use everything you've got, and for God's sake, keep stuff from hitting their chests, I'll wince every time something hits them." 'Scott' muttered to the other _boys_, who nodded.

XXX

After an agonizing run on a baby-level (the agonizing part was having their arses whooped by the baby-level), the six cleaned up and retreated to Kurt's room, it being the biggest. They sat on the bed and floor and chairs ('Kitty' grumbling about not being able to hang from the chandelier, urging 'Kurt' ((much to 'his' horror, 'he' didn't trust 'his' tail)) to do so) and plotted revenge.

"This man must be tortured." 'Scott' declared. There was a unanimous head-nodding. "But how?"

"Practical jokes!" 'Kitty' yelped. "Hair on his toozbrush, rocks and hairbrushes in his bed, alarm set impossibly to go off every five minutes . . ."

"Switch him into Kurt's body, this thing kills anybody." 'Kurt' muttered as 'his' tail smacked 'him' in the face and 'he' growled at it and threw it onto the bed. It continued to twitch defiantly.

"_Vorsicht, _zat's mine body you're talking about!" 'Kitty' said in a tone that would have been chilling, scary, and Hitler-like if it wasn't coming from a sweet-looking, fifteen-year-old 'girl'.

"Switch him with Auntie O!" 'Rogue' said. **[2]**

"No, no collateral damage. Plus the Prof wouldn't be in to this." 'Jean' said, chin in hands.

"Disable his powers and give him some really bizarre power, like being able to arrange flowers zat come out of his knuckles instead of claws?" 'Kitty' suggested, anger forgotten.

"No surgery." 'Jean' said dismissively. 'Kitty' looked sad.

Suddenly, 'Kurt' got a beautiful brainwave. "Drag queen!"

"What?" the chorus was aimed at 'him'.

"Turn Logan into, like, a drag queen, against his will. Jean, telepathically make him sleep, and I'll give him hair extensions, we'll switch all his clothes to girly things, give him really _really _long-lasting makeup, shave his chest and legs and arms, give him, like, high heels, make him not able to buy new manly clothes. And take away his Harley." 'Kurt' said.

'Kitty' smiled evilly. "Zat's brilliant! Ze Harley zing vill _keel_ him."

"How do I disable someone telepathically?" 'Jean' asked. 'Scott' smacked 'his' forehead.

"It could kill someone if you do it wrong. You focus on them, and sleeping really deeply, not waking up until you snap your fingers or stomp your foot or something. Though Logan has _really_ tough mental blocks. You'd have to wait until he's asleep and the blocks are down. Just don't kill him. I don't want to be charged with murder." 'Scott' said. 'Jean' nodded solemnly.

"When d' we move out?" 'Evan' asked.

"Now." 'Rogue' said. "Ah'll go hayde his clothes." 'She' got up and left.

"I'll totally go get my makeup." 'Kurt' said, teleporting away.

"That's something I thought I'd never hear Kurt say." 'Jean' said.

"Hey, I'm right here. Keety said zat." 'Kitty' said.

"Yeah, I know, but . . . whatever. It's just weird hearing your body say that."

'Kitty' nodded.

Minutes later, 'Kurt' had a death grip on the ceiling in a shadowy part of the room where Logan was dozing. His breathing pattern changed . . . time to move in. 'He' crawled down the wall awkwardly and uncertainly.

"He's dead asleep." 'He' said. The six teens rushed into the room. 'Jean' screwed up her face in concentration. Logan fell into a comatose state. 'Evan' anxiously felt for a pulse. 'He' nodded and gave a thumbs-up. 'Rogue' looked relived and started ripping Logan's boots off. The gruff instructor disappeared in a mass of students. A razor flashed, mascara was uncapped, high heels brandished.

The 'boys' were clustered around Logan's head, braiding in extensions, doing makeup perfectly.

"Razor." 'Kurt' held out a hand. 'Rogue' handed him a razor and the water and shaving cream. 'Kurt' shaved Logan's face, then arms, chest, and legs. "God, this man is, like, _really_ hairy."

"You said it." 'Evan' said, not taking 'his' eyes off of the eyeliner 'he' was working on. 'Scott' was doing one half of Logan's hair extensions, waiting for 'Kurt' to do the other half.

'Jean' and 'Rogue' were jamming Logan into a pair of man-sized skinny jeans, looking frustrated and incredulous that there were actually man-sized skinny jeans. 'Kitty' halted the boys for a moment and fumblingly put a super-über-padded-bra and Abercrombie shirt on him. 'Kurt' paused for a moment and put fake silicone bra inserts in the bra, then went back to hair. The 'girls' insensitively rammed Logan's feet into two-inch black pumps as the 'boys' finished his hair and makeup.

"We need to prop him up near a mirror so we can do his hair properly—damn, we didn't shave his sideburns! Razor!" 'Scott' said and took care of the sideburns quickly. After several minutes of labored work, they dragged the instructor to a full-length mirror, propped him up, and 'Evan' put his hair up in an elegant feminine style.

They dusted their hands off, looking pleased at their work. Quickly, they retreated to good places to watch the reaction, and 'Jean' woke the gruff man.

Instantly, they regretted it. It was like Hiroshima going off, sans radiation. Logan was incoherent except for "What the hell, what the hell!" and select pre-Revolutionary-War cuss words (showing just how ancient this drag queen was). He tried to push his claws out, but the series of rubber and braided floss bracelets the 'boys' hand put on his forearms stopped him from doing that, and the numerous chunky rings the 'girls' found helped too.

"_I'm a lady!_" he bellowed incredulously, ripping at his hair, which would not yield. Neither would his clothes, and certainly not his makeup.

"Dude look like a lady," 'Jean' sang softly, Aerosmith's song "Dude Look Like a Lady". **[3]**

Logan looked furiously for the source of the song, but didn't see them until they stepped out.

"Now you know how _we_ feel. You know, the Constitution outlaws cruel and unusual punishment." 'Scott' said very matter-of-factly. Logan snarled at 'him'.

"Get this shit off me!"

"Langvage, Herr Logan." 'Kitty' said, crossing 'her' arms. 'Kurt' bared 'his' teeth in a smile, swishing 'his' tail.

"Here's tha deal. Ya get Professor X t' change us awl back, and we take . . . that . . . offa ya." 'Evan' said, gaze raking Logan's body.

"You'll suffer your punishment full term!" Logan growled.

"Then you totally will too." 'Kurt' said, frowning at Logan.

"Oh no, I won't. See, here's what's _up_, _Kurt_: I'm an instructor and you're not. You're in _no_ position to tell me what to do. Now you give me back my clothes and get this crap out of my hair and off my face, and your punishment stays at a week. You refuse, and it goes to _two_ weeks." Logan growled, low and dangerous. Scott looked slightly scared. 'Kitty' was glaring and baring 'her' teeth at Logan, which does _not_ work when you don't have two-inch fangs to bare.

"X-Men." 'Jean' said suddenly, and they huddled, whispering furiously and stealing sidelong glances at Logan.

"We'll take tha two-week punishment, if it means ya'll go 'round lahke that." 'Evan' said, crossing his arms. 'He' added snidely, "_Miss_ _Loraine_."

**Though this is almost ver batem **_**The Misfortunes Of Logan**_**, it deviates! It will focus on the kids, not Logan, and detail their **_**interesting**_** two weeks of punishment.**


End file.
